Secondly, I'm not looking forward to tomorrow. Tomorrow I get to tell someone that I have had building affection for that it's not going to work out because I'm broken and don't have the mental capacity to be emotionally supportive and understanding to the life events that he is going through right now.
How would I know this without giving it a go, you might ask? Because I've been here, done this, and I just can't do it again.
He's an amazing person; it's just bad timing.
And I'm terrified of eventually meeting his daughter. I can't put into words the amount of heartache and hurt that I still feel over not being able to see or spend time with the last child that I got to know on that level. I just can't do it.
I'm sure he'll be fine with it . . . . as he as so much going on in his life right now between being a father, getting a divore, working 60 hours a week and band practice . . . . I just hate feeling like I didn't try. But to try is to put myself in a position that I know all too well. A position that I'm not sure I can willingly ever put myself in again, because I know the amount of emotional support he's going to need in the upcoming months.
Does that make me smart? Or selfish?
I have no fucking idea.