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Thursday, April 17th, 2008
11:53 pm - 4/21/07
See the journal entry dated as above if you're really curious how I'm doing right now.

Just like before, I'm at another dude's house immediately after.

Fucking bizarre.



Sacrifice. Ur doin it wrong.

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Tuesday, April 1st, 2008
10:06 am - There is a light . . .
So . . I got my place. I officially got the key yesterday. It smells something horrid. Not as bad as it was when I first got there, but still not wonderful. I'm totally in cleaning mode at the moment. I got the floors swept/mopped/scrubbed yesterday. I'm probably going to do the same thing again today. hah. And then I'll wax them. And then there's the bathroom . . . yeah. Yuck. The management group said that the previous tenant got their deposit back. I have no clue how that's fucking possible. I'm making it work though.

I made Darth Vader/Star Wars dinner plates. They're pretty amazing.

The Bob and I went to dinner last night and then I took him to the new place. Things are really good. I'm taking this one day at a time. So far so good. It seems like he's one of the only individuals that completely understands me anymore. Maybe it's supposed to be that way. I dunno.

Wellll . . I need to head to the cliff to get my kitchen stuff that I haven't seen in two years. Wish me luck. <3.

current mood: cheerful

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Thursday, January 31st, 2008
12:40 am - Boredom spawns thievery . . .
--------10 years ago----------


1.) How old were you?: 16
2.) Where did you go to school?: North Hardin High School
3.) where did you work?: fucking mess hall . .
4) Where did you live?: The basement.
5.) Where did you hang out?: Where ever I could get a ride to.
6) Did you wear glasses?: I did.
7.) Who was your best friend?: JD.
8.) How many tattoos did you have?: zero.
9.) How many piercings did you have?: 8.
10.) What car did you drive?: I didn't.
11.) Had you been to a real party?: I suppose.
12.) Had you had your heart broken?: Not really.
13.) Were you Single/Taken/Married/ Divorced?: Kinda taken . . allergic to commitment.
-----------5 years ago-----------
1.) How old were you?: 21
2.) Where did you go to school?: I didn't.
3.) Where did you work?: PCA photographer
4.) Where did you live?: Louisville
5.) Where did you hang out?: The house, the mag, Adar's.
6.) Did you wear glasses?: yep.
7.) Who was your best friend?: Amandarina and Bryan
8.) How many tattoos did you have? All my chest piece by then.
9.) How many piercings?: Just my ears.
10.) What did you drive?: Hyundai Elantra . . the silver one.
11.) Had your heart broken?: Kinda.
12.) Been to a real party?: More than likely.
13.) Were you Single/Taken/Married/ Divorced?: Taken.
------------2 years ago--------------
1.) How old were you?: 24
2.) Where did you go to school?: I still didn't.
3.) Where did you work?: I dont' even remember.
4.) Where did you live?: Louisville
5.) Where did you hang out?: The house or the Mag.
6.) Did you wear glasses?: yep.
7.) Who was your best friend?: Amandar and Charlie.
8.) How many tattoos did you have?: Same as above.
9.) How many piercings did you have?: Ears and monroe.
10.) What did you drive?: 01 Toyota Corolla
11.) Had your heart broken?: Indeed.
12.) Were you Single/Taken/Married/Divorced?: Depends on what part of the year.

----------------Today---------------
1.) How old are you?: 26
2.) Where do you go to school?: I don't know what to do w/ myself.
3.) Where do you work?: Charter.
4.) Where do you live?: Louisville
5.) Do you wear glasses?: Still.
6.) Where do you hang out? At the house, at the rink, at his house.
7.) Do you talk to your old friends?: It seems less and less each day.
8.) How many piercings do you have?: Just my ears.
9.) How many tattoos?: Chest piece and one above each knee.
10.) What kind of car do you have?: 96 Toyota Corolla.
11.) Is your heart broken? Not at all.
12.) Are you Single/Taken/Married/Divorced?: Very taken.

current mood: bored

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Wednesday, December 5th, 2007
10:22 pm
My life being like a movie is completely fucking overrated.

I'm over it.

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Monday, October 1st, 2007
3:48 am - Fucking Lame.
I can't sleep. Mainly because of a tooth that hates me and wants a divorce . . . which at this point I'm completely alright with. I just have to wait until the 9th. And then the fucker is out of here. Good riddance.

Secondly, I'm not looking forward to tomorrow. Tomorrow I get to tell someone that I have had building affection for that it's not going to work out because I'm broken and don't have the mental capacity to be emotionally supportive and understanding to the life events that he is going through right now.

How would I know this without giving it a go, you might ask? Because I've been here, done this, and I just can't do it again.

He's an amazing person; it's just bad timing.

And I'm terrified of eventually meeting his daughter. I can't put into words the amount of heartache and hurt that I still feel over not being able to see or spend time with the last child that I got to know on that level. I just can't do it.

I'm sure he'll be fine with it . . . . as he as so much going on in his life right now between being a father, getting a divore, working 60 hours a week and band practice . . . . I just hate feeling like I didn't try. But to try is to put myself in a position that I know all too well. A position that I'm not sure I can willingly ever put myself in again, because I know the amount of emotional support he's going to need in the upcoming months.

Does that make me smart? Or selfish?

I have no fucking idea.

current mood: disappointed

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Saturday, April 21st, 2007
1:49 am - a bullet in the vagina is no picnic.
so . . . i'm no longer attached . . . no longer content . . . no longer nothing.

i'm sleeping in indiana tonight. i'm thought of staying in old louisville, but that's probably not for the best . . . as i don't want to do anything stupid. not that anything that might happen would be stupid, but it probably wouldn't help my head right now.

so . . . yeah. night.

current mood: crushed

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Friday, April 20th, 2007
12:27 am
sooooo . . . i can't sleep . . . i haven't had a wonderful night . . . there are really only two things that can bring me happiness night now. seeing as how i'm sitting at the comic vault at 12:30 in the morning, and one of those things is asleep 30 minutes away . . . the only thing i'm left with are pictures.

so yes, if i can't be asleep next to my sleeping giant right now, the only thing that will bring me peace is presenting to you fine people photographic evidence of my exsistence for the past 5 - 6 years.
(continued from previous entry)

oh yeah, at this point i would apologize for possibly boring or bothering any of you, but frankly i'm done with apologizing. so yeah.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
october 2005. gearing up for halloween.

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halloween 2005. one of the few times i will honestly say that i was amazing.

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january 2006. my berfday.

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febuary 2006. finally decided to get rid of 'the bangs'.

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sometime 2006. some angel.

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april 2006. meet babraham lincoln.

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april 2006. southern boys revisited.

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june 2006. my first rollerderby injury.

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august 2006. fallen soldier.

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september 2006. my last rollerderby injury.

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september 2006. i thought i was happy.

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november 2006. then i realized i was. finally.

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november 2006. part of the reason my heart came back.

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april 2007. here i am. where i need to be.

current mood: exhausted

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Thursday, April 19th, 2007
7:22 pm
well. it's been ahwile. alot has happened, but i have no want to really write about it. i'm not sure why. i really need to get out more, and stop sitting in my basement and sleeping.

i really need to dust off my camera.
i really need some inspiration.
i really need to stop being so lazy.
i really need save money.
i really need to go to london, and take him with me.
i really need to stop trying to revive friendships.


i haven't done any shooting in eons. i haven't had any ideas. i haven't had any want. i haven't been motivated. hopefully once the weather gets better, i'll feel better about wandering around with my camera and such. maybe i'll recruit some camera companions. maybe.

so . . i have a new job starting the 30th. it's going to be nice to not worry about money again. i'm going to be relatively broke until like august though, as i'm trying to pay off my car asap. *my car that i don't have.

i want to go to london something fierce. he's the only person i've ever met that wants to travel the world as much as i do. i would love to be able to do that for us. love to. looooooove to.

i'm not sure why i have a want to have friendships with people that just make me feel like shit because they (he) can't get over whatever it is that's holding them (him) back from being a decent human being. it's overly frustrating. i constantly let these people (this person) get under my skin. i end up letting their (his) insecurities make me feel like i've done something wrong. and i know that i haven't. in fact i've gone out of my way to be their (his) friend. i've risked things that matter more to me that they (he) ever will . . . all because i've continually tried to revive this friendship that apparently isn't going to lead anything other than heartaches and headaches.


i'm gonna post some pictures. alot of them most of you have probably seen before . . . a few you haven't. i just miss the work that i used to be able to do, that i can't seem to get done anymore.
(not that all of these are "works")

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
halloween 2004. a picture of a picture.

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may 2001. self portrait.

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mid 2003. we were making plans to sell all of our boyfriends posessions so we could move to london. or chicago. or anywhere.

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sometime 2002. i think. my favorite.

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2002. my second favorite.

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novemberish 2004. those eyebrows were fierce.

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december 2004. the highlight of the winter.

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january 2005. making some face.

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april 2005. my exsistence in old louisville.

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july 2005. southern summer vacation.

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july 2005. southern explorations.

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july 2005. southern explorations ver. 2

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july 2005. southern sleeping.

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june 2005. skinny face and monroe. i miss them both.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
august 2005. attention seeking whore.


i'm ending this for now . . . i'll continue where i left off soon . . . goodnight all.

current mood: anxious

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Thursday, February 8th, 2007
7:16 am - girlfriend in a coma!
this past sunday was awesome. there were no football festivities . . there were no parties . . . there was motherfucking KARAOKE!!!

soooo . . let's meet the lineup.


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first there's me!

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then there's the manfriend . . baub!!

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and here's my lovely ladyfriend . . kalen!

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and her very drunk manfriend . . tim.

let the chorus begin!
(sorry, i'm a dork)

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hear the song 'i just died in your arms tonight' in your head.

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they're so adorable. in a special way.

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and so passionate . . in a special way.

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they get along so nicely . . they like each other so much . . sooo much.


and now for the obligatory candids . . or something.

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i heart him.

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and i heart her too.

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. . it almost came to blows . .

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but then he just made me laugh and choked me. it ruled!

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hello drunken pretty lady.

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this face. i love this fucking face.




that's it for this month . . . stay tuned for more pictures . . cause you know there'll be more. i mean come on . . i am a photographer after all. what else do you expect??

current mood: groggy

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6:02 am - a thorn in my side.
so i've decided that one of the worst feelings ever -ever- is feeling left out by people that you care about. it doesn't really matter if said cared for person meant for you to feel that way, it still happens and is really horrible. not only is there the feeling of being left out, but then comes the worrying, and confusion, and the overall feeling of unimportance. and then you feel weak, which in most cases makes you mad at yourself and then makes you mad at the other party and then makes you say things you really don't mean to say. so, to reiterate, feeling left out is one of the worst feelings ever.

i'm not sure where i was trying to go with this.

my whole way home i had a journal entry already started in my head, and i've decided that this will suffice because the planned one was really just a big pity party.

and i'm no fucking whiner.

current mood: cranky

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Saturday, January 13th, 2007
4:03 am - oh yeah . . .
i'm gonna be twenty five in thirteen days. ugh. so much to do, so little time.

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Sunday, January 7th, 2007
3:03 pm - i ruin everything. you incuded.
you've never passed on the chance to see me. ever. good job on ruining my day.

current mood: crappy

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Tuesday, November 28th, 2006
6:35 pm - an introduction is in order . . .
in light of my last entry, i've decided to make a picture post, so that my friends out there in lj land can meet my boyfriend. his name is bob. he rules my face!


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me. obviously.

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him. obviously.

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us. obviously.

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us. again.

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that's called a septum ring . . . not a booger. promise.

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i'm the best zombie girlfriend ever!

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he found my old glasses . . . oh the shame . . .

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it may be blurry . . . but we're still awesome. it's quite apparent. quite.


sorry for making you all suffer through that. i can't help it. blame it on him.

current mood: mellow

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Friday, November 3rd, 2006
2:36 pm - so yeah . . .
i haven't slept in my own bed since monday afternoon.


i have a boyfriend. he's pretty fucking awesome.

current mood: dorky

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Wednesday, October 25th, 2006
7:26 pm - science genius girl
soooooo . . . you get addicted to the hormones your body releases by being around a said person, which in turns makes you addicted to them, thus why people feel "connected" at all to begin with.

hmmmmm . . . research time GO!

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Oxytocin (Greek: "quick birth") is a mammalian hormone that also acts as a neurotransmitter in the brain. In women, it is released mainly after distention of the cervix and vagina during labor, and after stimulation of the nipples, facilitating birth and breastfeeding, respectively. Oxytocin is released during orgasm in both sexes. In the brain, oxytocin is involved in social recognition and bonding, and might be involved in the formation of trust between people.

Actions of oxytocin within the brain
Oxytocin secreted from the pituitary gland cannot re-enter the brain because of the blood-brain barrier. Instead, the behavioral effects of oxytocin are thought to reflect release from centrally-projecting oxytocin neurons, different from those that project to the pituitary gland. Oxytocin receptors are expressed by neurons in many parts of the brain and spinal cord, including the amygdala, ventromedial hypothalamus, septum and brainstem.

Sexual arousal. Oxytocin injected into the cerebrospinal fluid causes spontaneous erections in rats (Gimpl 2001), reflecting actions in the hypothalamus and spinal cord.

Bonding. In the Prairie Vole, oxytocin released into the brain of the female during sexual activity is important for forming a monogamous pair bond with her sexual partner. Vasopressin appears to have a similar effect in males [1]. In people, plasma concentrations of oxytocin have been reported to be higher amongst people who claim to be falling in love. Oxytocin has a role in social behaviors in many species, and so it seems likely that it has similar roles in humans. It has been suggested that deficiencies in oxytocin pathways in the brain might be a feature of autism.

Maternal behavior. Sheep and rat females given oxytocin antagonists after giving birth do not exhibit typical maternal behavior. By contrast, virgin sheep females show maternal behavior towards foreign lambs upon cerebrospinal fluid infusion of oxytocin, which they would not do otherwise. [2]
Various anti-stress functions. Oxytocin reduces blood pressure and cortisol levels, increasing tolerance to pain, and reducing anxiety. Oxytocin may play a role in encouraging "tend and befriend", as opposed to "fight or flight", behavior, in response to stress.

Increasing trust and reducing fear. In a risky investment game, experimental subjects given nasally administered oxytocin displayed "the highest level of trust" twice as often as the control group. Subjects who were told that they were interacting with a computer showed no such reaction, leading to the conclusion that oxytocin was not merely affecting risk-aversion (Kosfeld 2005). Nasally-administered oxytocin has also been reported to reduce fear, possibly by inhibiting the amygdala (which is thought to be responsible for fear responses). (Kirsch 2005)
According to some studies in animals, oxytocin inhibits the development of tolerance to various addictive drugs (opiates, cocaine, alcohol) and reduces withdrawal symptoms. (Kovacs 1998)

Certain learning and memory functions are impaired by centrally-administered oxytocin. (Gimpl 2001)
--------------------------------------------------------


while i realize that most of you probably already knew this, i did not, and therefore had to look into it. that's how i roll.

current mood: curious

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Tuesday, October 24th, 2006
2:34 pm - Lyrics and Irritation and Definition OH MY!!
ir‧ri‧ta‧tion – noun
1. the act of irritating or the state of being irritated.
2. something that irritates.
3. Physiology, Pathology. a. the bringing of a bodily part or organ to an abnormally excited or sensitive condition.
b. the condition itself.

doubt  –verb (used with object)
1. to be uncertain about; consider questionable or unlikely; hesitate to believe.
2. to distrust.
3. Archaic. to fear; be apprehensive about.
–verb (used without object)
4. to be uncertain about something; be undecided in opinion or belief.
–noun
5. a feeling of uncertainty about the truth, reality, or nature of something.
6. distrust.
7. a state of affairs such as to occasion uncertainty.
8. Obsolete. fear; dread.

an‧ger –noun
1. a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong; wrath; ire.
2. Chiefly British Dialect. pain or smart, as of a sore.
3. Obsolete. grief; trouble.
–verb (used with object)
4. to arouse anger or wrath in.
5. Chiefly British Dialect. to cause to smart; inflame.
–verb (used without object)
6. to become angry.

dis‧ap‧point‧ment –noun
1. the act or fact of disappointing: All of his efforts only led to the disappointment of his supporters.
2. the state or feeling of being disappointed: Her disappointment was very great when she didn't get the job.
3. a person or thing that disappoints: The play was a disappointment.


i'm not sure what's going on with anything at the moment. i feel a little lost, but don't want to impose those feelings on anyone, as i don't want to be a whiner. because i'm not a whiner.



Torch by Sarge

They left with clothes in disarray
and her on the bed 15 that day
they got her drunk
they never apologized
she kept her mouth shut the way girls should
tried to decide just where she stood
and i was the only one to see the glowing anger in her eyes

i still wonder what went through her mind
think she was sick to death of trying to keep quiet
and she bought a box of matches cause this flame was growing brighter every night
she took this as a sign

that life was gonna be like this
they get their way you watch it
she's not the first and she's probably not the last
then three more girls talked
killed any doubt that she had any choice about
a little light inside that told her it was time to take revenge

i still wonder what went through her mind
think she had enough of trying to keep quiet
and she bought a box of matches cause this flame was growing brighter every night
and it was almost time

i still wonder what went through her mind
when the first spark flew i'd like to think she smiled
and she carried that torch cause the stale smell of
their insides.
And when she left she didn’t even turn the last flame down

current mood: rushed

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Saturday, September 9th, 2006
2:31 pm - the things boredom makes me do . . .
My Interests Collage!Collapse )
Create your own! Originally Written By ga_woo, Hosted and ReWritten by darkman424


current mood: bored

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Thursday, August 24th, 2006
2:39 pm - show me yer bones!!!
so i've come across this photo . . . . and to my knowledge it's the only photo taken of me saturday evening. it was taken RIGHT after i hit the ground.

i present to you . . . My Fall From Grace . . . Or Skates.

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at least i looked good doing it . . .

thank you!

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Tuesday, August 22nd, 2006
1:28 am - let's just get rid of all the bones . . .
because seriously. bones are stupid. i don't like them, and right now mine hurt alot. like . . . . white blinding furious stabbing pain.

not only should we get rid of bones because they are stupid, but also, so that we can't break them.

like i did saturday night. fucking stupid bones breaking and shit. . .


blarhg. at this point i still don't know if i have to have surgery to set it.

overall, it's pretty lame.



annnnd . . . now i'm off to take some painkillers and passout.

-sid bitchious (the crippled sidekick)


ps. it's my leg that's broken.

current mood: cynical

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Thursday, July 27th, 2006
12:24 pm - that shit hurt!
uh yeah . . . i have THE biggest bruise on my right ass cheek.

but don't think i was doing good or something and that it's a combat-on-wheels related incident. oooohhhhhh no.

i was standing there talking to everyone. just standing. then, all of a sudden . . . i'm on the floor . . . where i happened to tuck my feet under me, somehow managing to avoid twisting my ankle (whew) sitting on my skates. bah.

aside from that . . . practice went well. i'm getting better every week . . . and am soooo excited.

oh yeah . . i managed to run over the smallest little kid in the place yesterday. those who were witness can tell you i tried not to though. i promise. for realz.

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